Some say that CPAs do not have a sense of humor. Maybe we do and maybe we don't. But here are a few of my favorite accounting jokes. Send me your favorites so we can add them to this list.
Why did the accountant cross the road?
To bore the people on that side of the road too.
A kid goes to a house dressed in a business suit. He knocks on the door and when the man opens the door the kid yells "Trick Or Treat". The man looks confused and finally asks the kid what is his costume. At which point, the kid responds "I am an IRS agent." With that, the man gives the kid some candy and is about to close the door when the kid responds "That is not enough, I want 40% of all of your candy." The kid then reaches in, snatches the candy and runs off without even saying "Thank You."
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn't budget.
There are two secrets to owning a successful CPA firm.
1. Don't tell your clients everything you know.
Why did the accountant cross the road?
Because he did it last year.
Why did he go back across the road?
So he could bill the client for travel charges.
How does an accountant commit murder?
He uses his personality.
An IRS agent is walking through Brackenridge Park when a mugger jumps out and yells "Give me all your money!". The IRS agent says, "You can't do this after all I work for the IRS." At which point, the mugger yells: "OK, give me all MY money!"
On Mark's T-shirt (this is no joke): Accountants do it and then render an opinion.
An accountant goes to a doctor because he cannot sleep. The doctor tells him to try counting sheep. He says "I tried that, I made a mistake and then spent the next 4 hours looking for my error."
An accountant goes to a doctor because he cannot sleep (hmmm, sounds familiar). The doctor tells him to try counting sheep. He says "I tried that but the adding machine tape wakes up my wife."
Why did the college student choose to become an actuary and not a CPA?
He had too much personality to be a CPA.
How does the CPA's wife fall asleep at night?
She says "Tell me about your day, dear."
What is the definition of a CPA?
A CPA is a high priced person who solves the problems you didn't even know you had.
What is the difference between an accountant and an attorney?
The CPA knows he is boring.
There are 3 type of CPAs. Those who can count and those who can't.
A lady goes to the doctor and the doctor breaks the news to her that she only has 3 months to live. The lady says, "Doctor, what can I do?". The doctor responds "Marry a CPA." The dying woman is shocked and says "What good will that do?". The doctor laughs and tells her "Nothing, but at least it will seem like a lifetime."
How do you know you have a great CPA?
He has a tax loophole named after him.
How do you know your son is going to be a CPA?
When you read him the story of Cinderella and you get to the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden carriage, he asks you "Daddy, is that ordinary income or a capital gain?"
An Arthur Andersen partner is returning from a meeting with the FBI. He asks his secretary "Did you get my message to ship the Enron documents to the feds?" The secretary exclaims "Oh crap! I thought your message said to Rip the Enron documents to shreds."
Why did the high school graduate decide to pursue a career in accounting?
He knew he didn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.
Do you know why CPAs smoke?
So they can claim the cost of cigarettes as a fire loss.
What is a CPA's best pickup line?
Wow, you have a nice pair of W2s.
What did the terrorist who hijacked an airplane full of CPAs threaten to do if his demands were not met?
He threatened to release one CPA every hour until his demands were met.
A CPA goes in to the office of one of his clients to review the quarterly results. As he meets the President of the company, he asks him "Before we start, would you like a profit or loss in accordance with generally accepted accounting principles for the quarter?"
A CPA walks into a bank with a close friend. As they are standing in line, a group of armed robbers burst in with guns drawn. As one of the thugs is stealing the money from the tellers, another of the robbers is lining up the customers (including the CPA and his friend) up against a wall. While all of this is going on, the CPA jams something into the hands of his friend. Without looking down the friend whispers "What is this?" to which the CPA replies "it's that $50 I owe you."
A business owner was hiring several individuals for the job as a manager of his company. He thought all of the individuals were equally qualified and decided he would give them one last quiz. The individual who answered the following question would be given the job. What is 2+2?
The engineer pulled out a slide rule and announced it is between 3.98 and 4.02.
The mathematician said, "In just two hours, I can prove with a proof that 2+2 is absolutely 4."
The physicist said, "That the answer to that question is in the magnitude of 1 times 10 to the first power."
The logician paused and did not say a word for a long time and finally said, "I believe the question can be answered accurately."
The social worker answered ,"I do not know the answer, but I am glad that you brought up this important issue as this issue needs more study."
The attorney answered, "In the case of Spahn vs. The State of Texas, the court held that based on the precedent in another case, the high court ruled that 2+2 was determined to be 4 and thus we can continue to use this opinion unless you can produce additional facts that shows that your case is different than those cases and thus the findings of those cases is not valid to answer the current question."
The stock broker asked, "Are you buying or selling?"
And finally the CPA was asked to answer. He looked at the business owner. Got out of his chair. Went to the door and opened the door and looked cautiously into the lobby and then leaned over the desk and answered softly, "What would you like it to be?"
Old CPAs never die. They just lose their balance.
How do you know you have an unethical CPA?
You hear him on the phone saying, "Sure, Mr. Madoff, I am glad to do that for you."
How do you know you have a bad tax accountant?
You hear him on the phone saying, "Mr. Snipes, you don't have to worry about the IRS at all."
An accountant is reading nursery rhymes to her young child. When she is finished, she answers her son's question: "No, son. When Little Bo Beep lost her sheep that wouldn't be deductible on her taxes - but I like your thinking."
A young bookkeeper is being trained by the retiring bookkeeper of a company. Each morning, the retiring bookkeeper begins the day by opening his middle desk drawer and pulls out a file. In the file, the bookkeeper pulls out a yellow sheet of paper, reads it and then looks around the room with a renewed vigor. And then the old bookkeeper returns the sheet to the file and the desk drawer. After the bookkeeper retires, the new young bookkeeper can't wait to check out this special file as it must have some great secrets to his mentor's success with the company. With trembling fingers, the newbie opens the desk drawer and pulls out the file that is surely full of treasures. The new bookkeeper closes his eyes, slides the paper out and can't wait to reopen his eyes to learn these words of widsom which say: "Debits in the column towards the door and credits in the column towards the window."
The secretary of the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) comes in and tells his boss that the auditors are done except they want one thing. "What's that?" says the CFO. To which the secretary replies: "15% to keep quiet."
An IRS agent is lying on his psychiatrist's couch bemoaning the fact that everyone in the world hates him. "NONSENSE", says the doctor. "Everyone in the world does not hate you. Everyone in the United States, perhaps, but definitely not everyone in the world."
How does a CPA say the F word?
CPAs are Certified to do it in Public.
If you have a tax or accounting joke, please send them to me at firstname.lastname@example.org